Sunday, February 13, 2011


I had a bit of a rough weekend emotionally. I don't know if I am over sensitive but amongst it all there was a question asked, Why do I go on face book? Well I have slept on it and I have thought long and hard.

 I live quite a solitary life really, not though conscious choice but  though life circumstance. I still require human interaction, because I am an extrovert by nature. I am alone with a 3 year old at the moment , not a single mother my wonderfull partner works away, and before that I was a single mum  working shifts and raising children on my. This lifestyle on its own makes for a rather lonely existence. I was part of the team at work but because I worked in many and varied parts including cross campus of the hospital I was employed in I didn't hang around long enough in one place to make lasting friendships. Shift work isn't great for socializing either and I am not really the night clubbing kinda gal. so that usually leaves me home alone on the computer.

I met my partner on line, I have many friends who inspire me, online, and interact with me in a positive manner. On face book I have my cousins and this saves lots of phone calls.   I spend allot of time on the phone but interaction with my mother, father and step mother is not always positive and often frustrating, she does not live my life. I love having another form of media to interact with my partner as phone calls become very expensive as time goes by and you have to have the same conversations over the phone  or on line that can take a long time to resolve.

 I have been abused in every manner all of my life. I don't use this as an excuse but rather as a lesson and what makes me strong this also makes me rather shy with all of the crap in my life. Two of my children live with my abuser who likes to rattle my cage occasionally this happened again on Friday when he demanded money from me that I personally cannot give him nor, am I entitled to give him. My Child support has been calculated and he has a rather decent income. along with his wife they also live in public housing.  I am not a dead beat mum, I do provide for all my children the best way I can.

 I have proof of my good mothering I encouraged my big girls to carry on with education after living with their father and step mother, one quit school at 15 the other wagged school for 2 years skipping year 9 and 10 and half of year 11 , only coming back to me when she realized she can't go on living that way. She completed her VCE and is now at RMIT doing textile design the other one starts a pre law advanced diploma today. Both young women thank me for getting them on track. I got the phone call today when my " lawyer to be" was getting frustrated getting lost doing orientation. I got a visit from the other one elated over her first assignment and day.

I am sick to death of being emotionally bashed because it is not a shit stir  I can take stirring  I don't like bitterness and jealousy directed at me.  This is what my abusers have said to me to continue abusing me. When certain words get strung together my hackles raise and I will stand and fight because when I take flight I flay far and fast this is not always a good thing. If you haven't been abused for a long period you can never truly understand what I mean.

 I travel 160 km a day to go to uni. I make things for my children I bake, preserve, sew, play guitar, read, play web games, zumba, ride horses and walk in this gorgeous part of Victoria because I love life and it keeps me positive and connected with the world in a positive way. If it is not liked then have a look at what you do or don't do. I am still an effective mother, my children know I love them  and they now want to make me proud of them. All I did was provide a home where ever I am and a soft loving place to land, so that they can find their feet in a very difficult world. As a result my children are resilient and strong enough to take the world and all it has to offer by the horns.

I am not a perfect mother but I am the best I can be it doesn't mean any other way of parenting is bad or wrong I am not judging any one for how they parent because I hate being judged harshly my self. I see the wisdom in Jesus' 2 commandments and I have done my best to live by them even in the face of adversity. I don't have paid employment at this point in time. I know my limits.  I have a little girl that needs me here and now I hate the days I go to uni with out her and have to leave her in child care. I hate having to ask any one to look after my child and have nearly quit many times just because of this. It makes me physically ill to ask for help with my children because of my past.  I have been rejected so many times I really don't bother asking for anything.

 No pictures this time jam is jam to me its just a way to preserve and not waste  I never expected that and activity of daily living to create such a huge controversy amongst my family/inlaws.


  1. One huge hug. I'm so sorry you feel so sad.

  2. I think the interwebz can promote so much goodness~ but i feel the same about facebook. the only thing i can think of is you don't need to worry about the nonsense parts... take it with a grain of salt, and use that block button to your advantage.
    came across your blog looking through katwise discussion boards, and here i am. found myself reading away. even people you've never met, living out their days in tennessee, feel your pain.
    you are the kind of woman i aspire to be. getting through school myself, still feeling so lost, feeling older than i've ever felt at 29, i don't know if i create my own depression or if i've succumbed to it, embraced it even.. or for how long. if i could do all of the things you do, i would be quite proud of myself.
    i think you seem extraordinary. sometimes it can take someone you've never met to see you look at yourself in a new light, and you seem pretty amazing to me, ma'am. also, i love what you've done with the sweaters... who cares if they're not pocketed? it's beautiful. i don't know how anyone could spend so much on a sweater, either, though katwise is a very talented and lucky artist. :)
    love and light. hugs from memphis, tn.